Recognize this?
-Yeah, it's fucking badass. -Yeah.
I'm sorry?
Uh, do you have a translator?
I have very little English.
I also don't speak English as well.
I didn't even realize there was piracy happening.
Don't know anything about any of this
or any of the people involved.
The Captain isn't... that strong a swordsman
or seaman or anything, to be honest.
I'm a strong reader/writer, so both, double threat.
In case you're hiring after all of this.
Hmm.
(jaunty melody playing)
Admiral Chauncey Badminton: Mr. Bonnet...
Welcome.
No, no, no, no, no, no... no.
Everything all right?
Chauncey... Oh, yes.
I forgot you were twins. I, I mean, are twins.
(low growl)
And h-how is your brother, Nigel? Is he... Is he well?
As a matter of fact, Nigel's decidedly... unwell.
But I think you know that.
How would I know that?
I, I, I haven't seen him in ages.
I have it on very good authority that he was onboard this vessel...
in your company.
No, no, I-- I don't know where you would've heard that.
I heard it from the witnesses...
to his murder.
(gasping)
Sweetie... why're you holding yourself like that?
-Nervous tummy? -They're lookin' for Stede's journal.
-For evidence. -There's nothin' we can do about that now. He's done for.
(whispers): I have Stede's journal.
I grabbed it when we got boarded.
-You gotta get rid of that, babe! -I know that, babe,
but I can't get to the side of the ship to throw it over.
Ay, give it here.
No, trust me. I was born for this kind of espionage.
Awesome. Do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go, go, go.
-Okay. -Roach, I need a distraction.
(mischievous music playing)
What's your problem, darkie?
Your face?
-(laughing) -Get him!
-Distraction's away! Go, go, go, go, go! -Go, Frenchie!
Fuckin' hell.
Sailor: Hello.
What's this?
(whimpers)
"My Wondrous Journey: A Life at Sea."
Bit of fan fiction... about Captain Bonnet.
You're a fan of your Captain?
Yeah, yeah. Huge fan.
Can't stop imagining him in all different scenarios. All totally made up.
"A true journal of the life and happenings of Stede Bonnet."
Bonnet, yeah. Mm, it was written to resemble a journal.
It's a kind of grabby marketing hook till I get the reader--
Oh, found a good bit? What part?
Would love some, some feedback.
I'd like to take it, actually.
Get back!
"'Avast ye!' I snapped.
"The smell of death permeated the room, electric in its tang.
"'P-p-p-please don't kill me!' Nigel whined...
having soiled himself."
(slams book shut)
Course, I don't believe any of it.
Oh, thank god.
Blackbeard confessed to the crime moments ago.
-He did? -Yep. I killed the bastard.
-Enjoyed it, too. -Right.
And what did he look like?
All of you. You all look the same, you know?
-And how did you kill him? -Ah, the ushe. Uh, stabbing.
-And where did you stab him? -Everywhere.
I don't keep track of these kinds of things.
You know, I'm a... "life is cheap" kind of guy.
That's not true.
Why would he lie?
Honestly, it makes much more sense. After all...
you're just some bored little rich boy.
You weak-hearted, lily-livered little rich boy.
And that's all you'll ever be, Stede Bonnet.
I did it.
I'm sorry?
I... murdered Nigel.
Stole his sword, and I--
jammed it through his head.
(shuddering breaths) I killed him.
(Captain Stede cries)
You'll sign a confession to that extent, hm?
(melancholy music playing)
(cries)
There's a good chap.
There, there, Baby Bonnet.
Feels better, doesn't it?
Officer Wellington: Ready. Aim. Fire!
-(pirates yelling) -Oh dear.
(clamoring)
(banging gavel)
In the name of His Majesty, King George,
this tribunal shall come to order.
Edward Teach...
-or "Black Beard." -It's just "Blackbeard."
Like, just run it together as one word. "Blackbeard."
Don't have to put a gap in there.
You face death...
for general crimes of piracy against the Crown.
Yeah.
But a friend of the Crown has prevailed upon me
to remand you to his custody.
You shall be released to Captain Hands
in exchange for his service to the King.
(crew booing)
Roach: How he still alive, anyway?
-The Swede: Traitor! -He gave us up.
-(banging gavel) -Admiral Badminton: Order.
Stede Bonnet...
for the wanton murder of Nigel Badminton...
your sentence is death...
by firing squad.
(crew gasps)
We'll find a way out of this, okay?
-Ed, no. No, I deserve this. -We'll come up with a plan.
At some point in a man's life, he has to face the music.
For the things he's done...
(laughs)
(Captain Stede grunts)
and the people he's hurt.
It's time, Ed.
The bill has come due.
-(rifles cocking) -Oh my god!
I don't wanna die!
Oh god!
Oh please! (tearful pleading)
-Hey, boss. -Edward...
I know you're upset, but it was the only--
(grunts)
-Very nice, very nice. -Great punch, Cap'n.
-Great punch. -Izzy: Okay... that's fair.
That's fair.
Remember though, you said when you made me first mate,
"Above all else is loyalty to your Captain."
Rifles at the ready!
-Oh god. -Izzy: You're my captain...
and I was never gonna stand by and let you
destroy yourself for that... twat.
And this, this is a humane way of ending it.
-Aim! -Izzy: It's quick. It's clean.
Oh shit.
Izzy: Edward, you know that.
(shouts): Act of Grace!
No... No.
Blackbeard: Act of Grace!
-Say it. Say "Act of Grace!" -What?!
Crew (shouting): Act of Grace!
Grace!
What he said!
Fuck me.
What's the Act of Grace?
I, King George, do hereby proclaim
that any pyrate who so abandons his life of crime
and pledges service to the Crown in their war against the Spanish...
shall be granted amnesty forthwith.
And we're calling this?
Ah, yes, uh, call it my Act of Kindness.
Nope! Uh, my Act of Charity.
No!
King George's Act of Grace.
No, wait! No, use that. That's great. (chuckles)
Overthinking things as usual.
Admiral Badminton: So...
you want to go to war for the King?
We'd rather eat our own faces, but yes.
Two Acts of Grace, please.
Ah...
I'm afraid the offer doesn't extend to you, Bonnet.
After all, the King was only referring to real pirates.
He's from my world, not yours.
Raise your rifles!
Ah! Put the blindfold back on.
"June the third. An excellent day!
"Raided a commercial vessel
"after overwhelming the hardy crew.
We claimed a prize of lush vegetation in conquest."
Here's an illustration for reference.
And here's the vegetation in question.
"They'll never forget the Eccentric Pirate Bonnet
and his savage, insane, vengeful pirate horde."
-See? He's a pirate. A real, proper pirate. -Oluwande: A proper pirate.
That man is a fearsome pirate if e'er I seen one.
Ya great foppin' twats!
Oluwande: Yeah, he's definitely a pirate.
(crew agreeing)
Well, rule-of-law-wise, I'd say that settles it.
A plant and a drawing?
-Settles nothing. -It's enough for us.
Blackbeard renounces piracy to serve the Crown?
(chuckles) We'll be dining with Ol' King George himself.
Why?
Why do you all show such loyalty to this...
this... nothing?
I'd attribute quite a lot of it to a people-positive management style.
-Shut up! -Officer Wellington: Stand down, Admiral.
Or we'll be forced to take measures.
Measures?! Against me?!
-He's the criminal! -All right!
-He's the murderer! -Calm down, Mr. Wavy Blade.
Blackbeard: Give it a break, mate. You're freakin' us all out.
Chauncey, sometimes, when we get a bit angry,
do you know what we like to do?
-We talk it through... -Crew: As a crew!
-Yes. -Oh, I know.
I know what's happened.
Yeah, we've somehow drifted south of the equator,
and ended up in Backwardsland! Get your hands off me!
-(indistinct shouting) -Do you know who I am?
-I am an Admiral! -(sword clattering)
I'll have you all executed!
-(Admiral shouting) -Poor bugger.
Admiral Badminton!
-Oh shit. Damn. -That's a big document.
-Look at the different sizes of the fonts. -Yeah.
There's big ones to lure you in
and then, all these tiny little ones here.
That's where all the tricks are.
-Uh-oh. Here we go. -Yeah, it's two pages.
Look, can we have a moment to review it?
Eh, it's boilerplate: absolution for your terrible crimes
in return for 10 years of service to the King, blahdie-blahdie-blah.
-Ten human years? -Officer Wellington: Mm-hm.
Or we can still shoot you.
No, that'll be lovely.
Course, it's only valid if Mr. Teach signs on.
You really don't have to do this.
Yeah, I know I don't.
Think what you're doin', Ed.
Do you really want to lick the King's boots?
Lovely... Well done.
We'll need a copy of this, obviously.
-Of course. -Yeah.
(melancholy music playing)
Clerk: Cromwell, Ezekiel.
So, what's the plan for escape?
Uh, the plan, the plan is just to go with the flow, see what happens.
(whispers): Right, go with the flow.
(clerk clears throat)
-Hello, how are you? -Teach, Edward.
That's my name. Edward Teach, born on a beach.
Soap. (laughs)
-Uh, Bonnet, Stede. -Bonnet, Stede.
Ooh, thank you.
Ooh, do you have any less scratchy blankets?
You are... dead.
Excuse me?
According to these records,
Stede Bonnet's been deceased for months.
Oh.
Well, that's, uh, obviously, a clerical error.
Or, perhaps a different Stede Bonnet.
It's quite a common name.
Wife, Mary Bonnet?
Yeah.
That's an odd coincidence.
Next!
♪ ♪
Do they really think I'm dead?
Or did Mary report me dead out of spite?
And which is your favorite pig?
I wonder if they had a funeral.
I mean, what would they bury?
Would it be an empty-- Ah!
What?
What've they done with your face?!
Oh yeah! Yeah, the beard
wasn't regulation, so it had to go.
Feels weird.
From here to here, is freezing.
But you're Blackbeard.
You can't be Blackbeard without your black beard.
Come on, mate. That's all over. It was over years ago.
My beard hasn't been black since I was young.
I was Greybeard if anything.
Salt-and-pepperbeard. Now, I'm just Nobeard.
Oh, I get it.
You've got a plan. I know it.
You've kept the clippings, haven't you?
So, we can make fake heads and escape.
Stede, get it straight, mate.
We got caught, all right?
There is no escape.
Now, it's time to accept our fate.
Besides, kind of comforting, really,
once you get your mind around it.
I mean, look at this.
I'm folding stuff... and that's okay.
(chuckles) Who would've thought?
(sighs) All right. That's that. Do you need anything folded?
Shirt? Your socks?
Izzy: The thing about Captain Hands is,
he's tough, yeah.
But also, he's fair...
as Ivan and Fang can attest to.
Needs more salt.
All right, all right. Listen up, listen up!
Work hard, keep a spring in your step,
and you'll all have a long tenure aboard...
"Izzy's Revenge."
(Wee John laughs)
What's funny, Mr. Feeney?
It's just that "Izzy's Revenge"
sounds a bit like an intestinal condition.
(crew laughs)
I wonder what the condition of your intestine might be after, say...
no rations for a week?
Any other funny bits?
I didn't think so.
♪ ♪
(playful yelling)
I don't want a boat, Stede!
And I don't hate our lives,
at least not so much that I would wanna do this.
♪ ♪
Blackbeard: There you are.
-The fake heads idea... wasn't bad. -Oh, come on.
Stupid idea.
-I've only got stupid ideas. -Oh, shut up.
How are you handling this so well?
I don't know.
It's kinda nice just to take a load off.
Just to... Just to be Edward.
I don't know if I wanna go back to the old days.
Just drinking all day and biting the heads off turtles, or...
making some poor bloke eat his own toes as a laugh.
Yuck. Where's the laugh there?
Suppose what I'm saying is that I--
Right now, I just wanna do what makes Ed happy.
And what makes Ed happy?
These past few weeks...
have been...
the most fun I've had in ages, years.
Maybe ever.
So...
So, uh, I reckon what makes Ed happy...
is...
you.
Well, that's, uh, that's--
(light music playing)
You make Stede happy.
Maybe we can just... get away?
Start over. Reset.
But you said there was no escape.
There's always an escape.
We could be gone tonight.
What about the English? They'll be all over us.
No, no, no, no. We could-- We'd get a new boat.
New names... new backstories, everything.
We'll go somewhere they'll never find us.
We'll go to China.
-China? -Yeah.
-It's quite far away. -That's the point.
Our old lives will be gone, dead.
Never were.
What do you say?
I know we never would've chosen each other,
not in a million years,
but all we have is this one life.
Yeah.
Yes?
-I think so. -Yes! Okay.
-Yes?! -Mm-hm.
Fuckin', this is great. Okay, we leave at dawn, okay?
I'll work out all the details.
You... think up some new names.
Cool ones.
♪ ♪
Okay, that's nine for mutiny and zero against.
Are you guys sure you're up for this?
-Yes! Yeah! -Yeah, yeah.
And that Brown Peter, he can't be first mate.
I saw him talking to Izzy about it before.
-Never. Disaster. -Mm-hm.
-No offense to Lucius. -Oh god, no. Don't apologize to me.
I mean, I love that man, but, um, leadership's not his, his strength.
All right, well, the second thing is:
-who's gonna be in charge? -Yeah.
It's got-- It's gotta be someone we can all trust.
Someone who has the entire crew in mind, not just themselves.
It's you.
-Nah. -There's only one choice.
No, no, no, no. I c-- No.
I don't want it. I'm officially taking myself
out of the running. Thank you.
Well, I reckon that settles it.
The only good cap'ns...
are the ones that hate being captains, eh?
-(crew chuckling) -It'll be an honor to serve under you, Cap'n.
-N-No, seriously, I-- -Roach (chants): Captain. Captain. Captain.
Hey! See that guy over there?
Yeah?
In exactly two hours, he's gonna come and wake you up,
and escort you out, okay?
You're gonna meet me down at the beach.
I'm gonna be about half an hour behind you,
but there'll be a dinghy waiting. Make sense?
-I think so. -Okay, good.
-I'll see ya down there. -Where are you going?
I gotta go mug a guy for a dinghy.
-Oh, okay. -Hey, get some sleep.
(insects chirping)
-(muffled groan) -Shh.
Get up.
Chauncey, take it from a man with regrets. Think this through!
Shut up. All I've been doing is thinking.
And drinking. Drinking and thinking.
Do you know what conclusion I've reached?
Turn around!
Stede Bonnet...
is not a human.
Just breathe.
You're a monster.
A plague.
You defile beautiful things.
My dear brother.
Your own family.
You've even managed to bring history's greatest pirate to ruin.
And here you are... unscathed,
God's perfect little rich boy.
(cries) I think you're right.
In fact, I... I completely agree.
You don't fool me.
The Stede Bonnet reign of terror ends tonig--
-(gun fires) -Ahh!
(screams)
(somber music playing)
Stede?
♪ ♪
("Perfect Day" by Lou Reed playing)
♪ Just a perfect day ♪
♪ Drink sangria in the park ♪
Okay, okay! Maybe, maybe we got off to a bad start.
But, what, what, what, what can I do differently, huh?
-I'm open to suggestions! -Mm-hm.
Pete! Help me out here!
For the record, I never formally accepted the role
of "first mate" and I fully endorse this mutiny.
Gah! Y-You, you, you don't have to do this.
Part of good leadership is restraint.
Everyone's got their own style.
-(Roach laughs) -Crew: One!
Two!
Hold it!
Izzy...
I'll take tea in my room.
What happened to his beard?
♪ ♪
♪ You're going to reap just what you sow ♪
Darling.
♪ ♪
I'm home.
(cup rattling)
♪ You're going to reap just what you sow ♪
♪ ♪